You see, Sarek hadn't taken me to the train station i had asked for, he took me to a different one, and that's why he came in with me because he would have got commission from the sale of my ticket. The ticket i had was not a sleeper, it was a ticket in lower class, standing only and it stopped at every fucking station down the line. It was going to take around twenty fucking hours. I boarded the train with half an hour to go before it departed and it was already jam packed. My rucksack was bigger than some of the adults on the train. I was standing beside this guy and his goat, who kept sniffing my balls. (The goat, not the Indian guy.) Around thirty people kept getting on the train every couple of minutes and i found myself pushed into the toilet. It wasn't really a toilet, just a hole in the ground. The carriage i was in was accommodated only by Indian people and a wide range of animals. They were all staring at me and laughing. The Indian people too. A few asked where i was going and when i said Goa, they just laughed even harder. They told me i had been ripped off and should go and get the other train which would be quicker and more comfortable. One guy told me that it gets so busy, people are hanging out the doors and up on the roof, and it was known to sometimes take forty hours to get to Goa, so long as it didn't break down. Sarek you little cunt, i dare you to come to Scotland, i will find you. Anyhoo, ten minutes before the train was due to leave, an old blind legless woman crawled on to the train. It took her about three years to do so as she only had one arm aswell. She decided to take a seat on my feet and every now and again she would feel my legs to see what i was. I was beginning to freak out again. I hadn't really stopped freaking out since arriving in India.
With two minutes to go, my common sense, which had playfully deserted me a long time ago, decided to give me a break and told me to get the fuck off the train. I kicked the old blind - no legged - one armed lady out the way, picked up my rucksack, which i nearly knocked her head off with, and scrambled towards the door. I got off just as the whistles started blowing and the doors began closing. I stood there on the platform feeling a complete and utter wanker as the train crawled out of the station.
Okay, so now what? Plan 'G' by the looks of things. Get a taxi, head down to Colaba, get somewhere to crash for a few nights, chill the fuck out and take it from there. I had to try and calm down and stop rushing around like a madman. You can't do fast in India, it's impossible. I found a taxi driver who took me to Colaba. Unfortunately he charged me five hundred rupees when it should only have been fifty. Ripped off again. They could see me coming a mile away. I hadn't mastered the art of haggling yet. I was going to have to smarten up very quickly or i'd be skint in the first week.
I ended up in a hotel called The seaview, and i can assure you, there was not a fucking drop of sea to be viewed. I got a decent room for four hundred roops and decided to stay a few nights. I took a shower, got changed and went for a walk. I wasn't that far from India gate or whatever it was called, so i went aong to check it out. It was pretty crap. It was a beautiful day and i finally started to relax a little bit. I still hadn't had anything to eat but i was fine for now. After all the crap that had happened i didn't have much of an appetite. Maybe i could go three months without eating. I walked around Colaba for a while but i just kept getting hassle off of kids holding babies. They weren't annoying me but i just felt guilty cos i was refusing to fall for their little scams. I decided to find a bar. Fuck, a bar, alcohol. Why hadn't i thought of that sooner. Before i could even think about it, my hands grabbed the lonely planet guide from my bag, i found where the bars were and planned my route through the shitty map. I got lost about two hundred times and around 5pm, i finally found a seller of alcohol. A bar called Leopolds. Halleh - fuckin - looya.
"Big bottle of kingfisher please, and a treble whisky with no ice, big man." I pleaded with the waiter before even finding a seat. I sat for a few bottles, watching Mumbai getting busier and busier and scarier as night began to blanket over the city. I started feeling uncomfortable again. I realised that i would have to leave my safe house at some point and venture through the crowds, except i was already pissed and i had no intention of getting un-pissed. Maybe, if i was drunk, no one would notice me, or if they did, maybe they'd leave me alone. Im a bigger dickhead than i thought if i honestly believed that. I don't think i did though. I think i was just trying to ease my fear. At around 8pm, i decided to go for a walk and see what Colaba was all about. As soon as i left the bar i was surrounded by people begging and grabbing on to me and trying to scam every fucking rupee i had. There were people trying to sell me all sorts of junk. I tried my best to be polite but i started freaking out again. I couldn't walk two feet without getting picked on. I noticed that the other foreigners weren't getting the same attention, then i realised they were just being so fucking rude to any Indian person that spoke to them. I couldn't that. This is their country, i'm not gonna be so fucking rude to these people, but i'm still not giving them any money. I'm a tight fisted Scotsman after all. I found that in all the confusion i had walked round the block and ended up back outside Leopolds. I actually considered the possibility that i hadn't actually moved but it was the block that had revolved. My head was a bit fucked and i hadn't even taken any drugs, which by the way, was offered to me by practically every person that i met. Drugs i hadn't even heard of, and the dealers were fucking persistant. They really got on my tits. I ended up telling them that i had to stop taking drugs as they drove me crazy and i started killing people and that's why i was in India, as id killed so many drug dealers when i'd lost the plot through drugs back in Scotland. They instantly left me alone. I felt pretty good about myself and decided just to be the biggest liar i could possibly be. They don't want the truth, they just want to rip you off, but they dont know me, and i was obviously quite convincing. So, that was the dealers dealt with. Now, what lies can i tell to the kids trying to scam me? Another few whiskys was in order. I went back into Leopolds and got pissed even further, but i was feeling guilty that i was drinking while so many people were homeless, poor, sick and hungry. Fuck it man, i'm not here to save the world. I stayed until closing time, but i honestly wasn't having any fun. I left and went back to my hotel, got lost on the way a few times, but after a few days i managed to find my way back. Everyone who's path i crossed wanted to sell me stuff, or get me a taxi, or a hotel, or a woman, fuck, anything. It was on this very night that i realised it wasn't going to stop, and i was so fed up with everyone asking me 'from where in England do i from come', that everyone who tried a scam on me, i just stood there and belted out at the top of my voice the Scottish national anthem 'Flower of Scotland.' It's fucking amazing how people vanish into thin air when you sing that right in their faces. I had found another weapon. Lies in one holster, song in the other.
I woke up the next day with a bit of a hangover and decided not to drink that day. I got my camera and went out to take photographs. I mainly just walked around Colaba, down all the little alleyways and lanes. I came across this young Indian girl, she was probably around seven years old. She started talking away to me, then asked me to buy her rice. What happens is, the kids take you to a shop that they have a deal with, you buy a bag of rice for 300 roops, you say goodbye to the kid, the kid goes back into the shop, hands the bag of rice back and gets 5 roops, if they are lucky. I told the girl, i wasn't going to buy her rice. I would have given her money but i only had travellers cheques. She was persistant in trying to get money from me, and when faced with no other options she told me that i could have sex with her for 200 rupees. At first i thought i'd imagined it but i realised what she had offered and i felt sick. I nearly fucking exploded. I wasn't annoyed at her, i was just so fucked off that she was willing to do that. I started thinking about other guys she's probably said that to, and they've gone off and had sex with her. I tried talking to her about how wrong it was to do what she was doing but she wasn't interested and walked off. I was fucking raging, i decided there and then to get the fuck out of Mumbai. I went to the train station and bought a sleeper ticket to Goa for the following night and then headed back to Colaba to spend my last night in Mumbai getting drunk. I didn't really want to go back to Mumbai ever again at that point. I returned to Colaba and I ended up in a sort of square, but every direction i took i ended up in someone's house. It was a bit embarrasing. I came across this goat and i could not believe the size of its testicles, they were fucking enormous, so, being a bit of an idiot, i went to take a closer look, maybe even get a photo. As i approached my large bollocked horned friend, he turned round and booted me on the leg. However, my leg buckled and i hit the deck head first much to the delight and amusement of around two hundred on-looking Indians. I managed to get to my feet and limp away, and with my pride totally shattered i decided to go and get pissed as only a true, maybe even typical Scotsman knows how to. I'd been having a nightmare since arriving in India and to be honest, my head was a little bit fried and i felt so fucking stressed out. There wasn't really anything i could do about it. I ended up getting pissed again and i met some other travellers and had a bit of a laugh. At the end of the night i was smiling for the first time in ages and i went for a walk around the streets. I realised that you don't really get hassled as much when you're smiling. The heat was a bit too much but i was getting used to it. When i left the bar that night i tripped over a legless begger guy, i just didn't see him. But i didn't just trip over him, i kneed him in the face, (accidentally of course.)
So, once again i was on the ground, this time rolling around in shit with a legless Indian. I suppose i was a bit legless myself. I sat and spoke to him for a while and he told me that twenty six years before, his parents had cut off his legs so they could beg for more money and eventually, gangrene set in and he had to get them fully removed. I wasn't too sure whether to believe that or not. I gave him some money, talked a bit more and then left. On the way back to the hotel i was amazed that the constuction on the roads were still in full swing. The difference with the construction and the 'digging of the roads' in India, is that it's usually women in the trenches digging away, but not even with drills, they use pickaxes. Fuck me, the Indian people are tough. Well, the women are anyway. I got a few blocks from my hotel and this guy came up to me holding a five foot, orange, inflatable pear shaped 'thing'. That's the only way i know how to decribe it.
"Would you like to buy please good sir?"
"Buy what? That? What the fuck is it?" I asked.
"You can buy this for your children. Good price. 500 rupees!"
"Yeah, but what is it?"
He just stared at me with a smile on his face. It was obvious that he himself didn't know what the fuck it was.
"Where from Ingland from you come?"
"Im from Scotland mate, just north of England."
"Oh, very good sir, very good. 500 rupees if you please. Be lucky for me sir.
I have just started. You can bring me luck if you buy from me."
"No thanks."
"Okay sir, good price. 400 rupees."
"Seriously mate, i don't want it, i'm not carrying it around, i'd look like a prick,
and i still don't know what it is."
"Please sir, make me happy, make me very happy, i sell to you for 300
rupees. Bring me luck."
"Okay sir. You are a kind man. I love your white skin, 200 rupees."
I was just standing there pissing myself laughing, i couldn't help it.
"If i was daft enough to buy this big orange coloured inflatable pear shaped
thing, what would i do with it?" I asked him sympathetically.
"You could give it to your children." He replied, still smiling away.
After i finally convinced him that i didn't have children and, no, i didn't have a wife, and, yes, i was travelling alone, he told me he could get me a woman for the night. I politely refused but only because the woman he 'could get' for me was probably also orange, inflatable and pear shaped. Man, these people would sell you an inflatable dart board if they could. I finally managed to get back to my room, getting stopped by every person on the way, (except the drug dealers), had a shower and went to bed. I was leaving the next night. Thank fuck. I did like Mumbai in a way, but it's full of mentalists. There are thousands of homeless people and yet they are simply ignored by the rich and wealthy people of Mumbai. I watched two small kids around the age of two sitting on the road covered in shit and vomit and dirt, crying their eyes out, alone, and not one person batted an eye lid. I wanted to take photos but i still couldn't get round to taking photos of that side of life yet. Now, though, i really wish i had done.

dont spose u could summarise this into a short quick 5 lines with all the good bits eh?

No one is forcing you to read it.

a fair point good sir! Touche!