I need some help. My mate's a great, caring, nice guy who's goin out with a troll of a girl. That and I think she don't even like him that much. He could do so much better. So Im posting this to see if there're any gals out there under 26 who are up to help with this. They've only been going out 4 months? Best if you live around south east london. cheers!

Let's be honest, that's a ridiculous idea. Just tell your mate the way you feel about his other half, he probably won't listen to you, but you tried. All you can do is help him out if you turn out to be right.
A friend of mine is with a girl I don't like, that isn't good for him, etc. I've never once encouraged him to break up with her, and would never try to. I'm there for him when they have problems though, and that's what a friend is. Not a selfish idiot that thinks he knows best.
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Vidi Vici Veni

I got in touch with my feminine side. She emailed me back saying if I ever contacted her again she'd call the police.

I think it's great that you are trying to help out your mate by finding him a new girlfriend however if he already has one then I'm not so sure that he'll see your intervention as helpful. Perhaps he is able to see a side of his current girlfriend that others don't. Maybe you should try to get him to help you to see this positive side of her character? Or if she is as bad as you say then maybe he'll dump her anyway but it's a decision he needs to come to on his own. If you try to interfere he'll probably resent you for it.

I also hate my best friends girlfriend, I think she is a deceitful snake and i'd rather she would just disappear. However it is not my choice to make, she makes him happy so I put my reservations to the side. I still really dislike her but you know, my best friends a big boy he can learn on his own...

And presumably you've already discussed this with your mate?